


Squirt & Ed (Mircrofic series)

by AvenuePotter



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: (--- Kinda, Abney Park - Freeform, Batcat in chapters 15 & 17 only, Christmas, F/M, Gen, Humor, Octopus, Orange is the New Black References, Oswald arc begins in Chapter 8, Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, Selena is featured in chapters 7 14 15 17, Sponge Bob References, Steampunk, Steampunk/Abney Park chapter 15 only, Stranger Things (TV 2016) References, TEOTFW References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2020-10-06 17:30:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 8,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20510801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvenuePotter/pseuds/AvenuePotter
Summary: Ed brings home a pet octopus - Lee is not amused. These are the adventures of Lee, Ed, & his newfound friend, Squirt in a domestic Nygmakins setting. It's more playful than anything and not to be taken too seriously. It's not overly shippy either.





	1. INTRODUCTIONS

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to my friend Anna, who has kept me entertained with octopus stuff while I've been ill this summer. I love octopuses!!! Also, thank you for inspiring this fic by sharing with me your own little ed, lee + pet octopus head canons. So much fun!

Lee comes back home and sees Ed on the couch with . . .

She slowly blinks her eyes twice.

“Is that an o_ctopus_ on the couch!?”

Ed’s attention drifts from the TV and he places a gentle hand on top of a mushy octopus sitting right beside him. The slow movement of its tentacles seem to have the satisfied rhythm of a cat’s purr.

“Why yes.”

“What the hell, Ed?”

“He’s my new pet. Right, little guy?”

The octopus’ skin changes texture under his hand. It gets softer.

Lee puts a hand on her hip. She is not amused. “What’s his name?”

“Huh?”

“Your ‘pet?’ He must have one,” she says, coming closer and leaning down to inspect the cephalopod. “All pets have names.”

The octopus’ skin regains some of its texture and now he looks like he’s trying to blend into the couch. His tentacles curl up underneath him.

And then. . .

He inks.

Ed can’t suppress his laugh.

“Oh my god!” Lee jumps back as the dark stain seeps into the pastel couch.

“I guess now we know his name,” Ed teases, holding out a hand to his little buddy. “Don’t we Squirt?”

Squirt tentatively wraps just the end of one tentacle around Ed’s hand and starts to soften.

“You’re buying me a new couch,” Lee says as she storms out of the room. After slamming a door, she pokes her head back out of it. “A dark one.”

Ed smiles at the moist little creature by his side. “Guess that means you can stay.”

The suckers in his hand tighten, and the two new friends go back to watching their program. Both are very very satisfied with the arrangement.

Lee, however, is most decidedly not.

TBC


	2. THE AQUARIUM

“He looks so flat and squishy,” Lee says as she joins Ed and his exotic pet on the couch. “I feel sorry for him.”

“That’s because he’s not in the water. He puffs up in the water.”

“Wait a second,” Lee swings her head about the room. “We don’t have anywhere to PUT him in the water.”

“I know.”

“Ed, he’s an octopus. He can’t survive long outside of an aqueous environment – what are you thinking?!”

“Sure, he can. Ever heard of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus?”

“Sorry, I’m not up on my cryptozoology.”

“He’s not a cryptid, Lee. He’s right here – he exists.”

Squirt is insulted and flashes Lee some blue skin.

“Ed, that was a hoax. A well-documented hoax.”

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you. Squirt can hang out on land just as well as in the sea. Only juvenile Pacific Northwest Tree Octopuses need to live in water.”

Squirt makes himself appear larger in case Lee is ignorant. He’s no juvenile.

“That’s kind of scary,” Lee mutters as she watches him.

Ed just chuckles. “High six big guy!”

Lee watches as Squirt balls up one of his tentacles into what looks like a fist and gives Ed’s uplifted palm a good bop.

“Six, get it?” Ed says opening his hand and counting out his fingers. “One, two, three, four, five, and SIX from Squirt.”

“I won’t be impressed until I see him give you a high thirteen.” Lee smirks.

“Why that’s preposterous!” Ed says in mock indignation.

Or is it?

Squirt begins balling up all eight of his arms at their ends.

“Okay,” Lee says, removing herself from the couch. “I’ve seen enough of this on-land bromance. Squirt looks pathetic – like nothing more than a gooey puddle of paint with little balled fists rising out of it. Get him an aquarium.”

“Yes, ma’am." Ed suppresses the urge to laugh at her annoyance, yet one side of his mouth can't help but twitch.

Water. . .

Squirt forgets all about the high thirteen and lets the ends of his tentacles go lax. He blissfully slides off the couch and forms himself into a puddle exactly like the one Lee accused him of looking like, balled fists and all.

Water. . . Oh, how he’s missed water.

TBC


	3. Saturday Morning Octovision: Orange is the New Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed & Squirt love to binge watch TV together. Here's Squirt's impressions of one of the shows they watched this week.

Orange is the New Black

SQUIRT: Hmmm. . . Seems like just a bunch of people who haven't figured out how to escape their aquarium yet.

Here's how he rates it:

Next week on Octovision: Stranger Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No offense to any of the shows Squirt reviews here - at all. Just trying to be amusing. Besides, he's only reviewing the shows I personally love.


	4. GREEN

Lee comes home, chattering away about all the politicking she’s had to do that day as The Queen of The Narrows while she sets her things down and puts them away. Ed just sits there on the couch, muttering appropriate “I’m listening” noises, resplendent in the green suit he had worn while playing a modified version of The Riddle Factory with the children of The Narrows earlier that day.

Finally, after she’s put everything away and is ready to relax for the evening, she comes over to him, and places a hand on his shoulder in preparation to sit on his lap. She grabs the remote and turns off the TV, figuring that they can just cuddle to the white noise of the aquarium filter in the background.

“No wait, Lee,” Ed says, stopping her by placing a hand on her hip. “Look.”

“At what?”

Ed nods his head down towards the left side of his body.

It takes some time, but then she sees them. The oddly barbell-shaped pupils of Squirt’s eyes.

“Oh my!” Lee can barely see the rest of him, he’s so. . . green. Squirt has completely blended into Ed’s emerald green suit, even matching his skin texture to the fabric.

“Neat trick, huh?”

“Uh, yeah,” Lee replies. “Except it could be a bit dangerous. What if I hadn’t seen him? What if I had sat down on him and squished him?”

“I think I’ve got something to prevent that,” Ed says and whips out a small bowler hat from beneath the end table, placing it firmly onto Squirt. “There.”

“Now it just looks like you’ve got a hat perched on your suit.”

Lee and Ed both erupt into laughter – and Squirt wiggles his siphon along with them before he carefully removes himself from Ed and takes a place on the couch beside him. He doesn’t change color – or lose the bowler hat.

“Better?” Ed asks.

“You two look like brothers,” Lee says wryly. “Only from different species.”

Ed smiles widely and turns to Squirt. “You hear that buddy?”

Yes, he does.

Brothers.

Green soon becomes Squirt’s favorite color to wear.

And he’s decided to keep the hat, too. Good thing it’s waterproof.

TBC


	5. JARS

Ed and Lee come stumbling home one night, laughing about all the various characters they had encountered that evening, grabbing each other with excitement as they recall how well everything had gone for them – and for the people of The Narrows.

They tumble through the front door and into the dark kitchen – “Let’s keep the party going!” Ed had declared – but they stop abruptly when Lee notices that the refrigerator has been propped open.

“What the . . . ?”

She goes over to it and sees that the lids to various jars have been unscrewed and just tossed about on the floor and the inside of the fridge. Many are stuck to the wall, looking like they are about to become unstuck any second.

And there goes one now. It falls on top of her black velvet heels, splattering them with raspberry jam and completely ruining them.

“ED!”

“Yes, dear?” Ed answers teasingly, trying to keep a straight face. But he just can’t hold it together for long and lets out a snort.

“Where. Is. Your. Octopus?” Lee is now decidedly in “don’t fuck with me” mode.

_Too bad_. _Squirt already _has, Ed thinks with a maddening smile. But he answers her lightly, “Oh, I’m sure he’s around her somewhere.”

“Wipe that smile off your face.”

“Lee, it’s not a big deal –“

Lee brings a hand to her forehead and then drops it impatiently. “Could you please just get the light so we can see what we’re dealing with here? How much destruction one little sea monster can wreak?”

When the light flips on, Lee sees it.

“Is that my sun tea jar?!?!?”

Lee leans down to counter level to get a good look. The jar is filled with a multitude of white tentacles and suckers. Tiny ones, small ones, bigger ones . . .

“Where’s his head?”

“Hmmm . . . “ Ed bends down to counter level to look with her. “Hey, weren’t you looking for that?”

Lee pops back up. “Yes, but, never mind how he found my sun tea jar - HOW did he ever manage to get in there?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Ed says. “We watched some videos on YouTube.”

“YouTube?”

“Yeah, he probably learned how to do that from watching other octopuses.”

Lee’s eyes narrow. “And opening all these jars?”

Ed nods with a smile. “Oh, yeah. There’s lots of videos of octopuses opening jars on YouTube.”

Lee frowns.

Before they know it, Squirt has extracted himself from the sun tea jar and flopped himself into the sink.

“Aww,” Ed says fondly. “Squirt wants to have a spa day.”

He picks up the sprayer and starts spraying the octopus down as he fills the sink with water. Squirt has stoppered the drain himself. 

Squirt looks all too relaxed for Lee. “A spa day?”

“Yes, Squirt and I have made the sink into a little spa for him,” Ed says, gently moving the sprayer to a point somewhere between his eyes and his tentacles. “See, he loves it when I do th –“

“Look, I don’t care what the two of you do in your own private time, but he doesn’t deserve a reward for doing this,” She indicates the mess of jars and lids in the fridge.

“Well, what do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know, maybe find some YouTube videos of octopuses putting lids ONTO jars. Or maybe you can teach him yourself. Cause believe me, you two are cleaning this up!” Lee exclaims.

Frustrated at potentially missing out on his spa day, Squirt inks in the water and gives Lee the grumpiest look he can muster.

“Look what you made him do?!” Ed exclaims.

Lee is unaffected by Squirt’s plight. "I don't care. Clean it up!"

She heads for the bedroom.

Turning back she says, "Everything better be back in place by the time I come back out here.”

And it is. Well, at least as far as lids and jars are concerned. Ed and Squirt had managed to put them all back together and back into the fridge just as Lee had so impolitely asked them to do before they resumed Squirt’s spa time.

Now Squirt is happily soaking under the running water of the sink once more and Ed is massaging his arms. Spa day is in full force.

Lee comes out to inspect the fridge. “Nice job, guys.”

“Thank you,” Ed says. Squirt doesn’t even deign to look at her.

Then she steps further into the kitchen and her bare foot finds . . . “Yikes!”

A faint rainbow shimmer passes through Squirt. He’s laughing.

“What is this water doing all over the floor?” Lee exclaims, exasperated yet once again.

Squirt fills his siphon and lets out a big blast of water – all over Ed.

“What the. . . ?” Lee says, watching her mate get drenched.

“He spits on my face . . . to tell me that he loves me.”

TBC

* * *

There are many videos of octopuses opening jars and the like. Here’s a more dramatic one for your viewing pleasure: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kuAiuXezIU>


	6. Saturday Morning Octovision: Stranger Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed & Squirt love to binge watch TV together. Here's Squirt's impressions of one of the shows they watched this week.

**Stranger Things**

SQUIRT ON SEASON 1: Basically, it's just a bunch of juveniles riding around on bikes.

SQUIRT ON SEASON 2: It's more juveniles riding around on bikes and their young female friend with the Eggo addiction who continues to eat them throughout the season. <--- Eggos are like starfish without points. They must be really tasty.

SQUIRT ON SEASON 3: Firstly, sailors serving ice cream. Okay, but . . . 

Egregious misuse of water!!! That Billy is a terrible aquarium keeper.

Also, people look very odd when they are submerged in water - especially when they move about. They have the gall to call it "swimming." *rainbow shiver*

Here's how Squirt rates the show:

Next on Octovision: The End of the F***ing World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No offense to any of the shows Squirt reviews here - at all. Just trying to be amusing. Besides, he's only reviewing the shows I personally love.


	7. EIGHT GUNS IN A SOCK DRAWER

Lee and Ed come home to find . . .

“Hey, little buddy. You okay?”

Ed finds Squirt in his sock drawer, hunkered down, and white with shock. Oh yeah – and he’s holding eight little guns, one in each arm. The tips of each of his tentacles are entwined through their triggers. He pulses red twice.

“Meow!” The cat behind Ed sounds smug as it licks itself, perched on the edge of Ed and Lee's bed.

“Isn't that Selina’s cat?” Lee asks.

“Hard to tell with the ink all over it,” Ed says sarcastically.

The cat jumps off the bed and with an offended little flick of its tail, leaves the room.

“Looks like Squirt got her good, eh?” Lee says.

“Yeah.”

Ed turns his attention back to Squirt as Lee follows the cat out. The octopus is not calming down. Ed’s eyebrows draw together as he wonders why not. He surveys the room and notices that it’s a mess of fur, wetness, and ink. Even his prized leg lamp has been knocked over. Thankfully, it isn't broken.

“Selina?” Ed hears Lee say from the kitchen.

“You stay right there, Squirt. Okay?” Ed says.

Another coil of each of Squirt’s tentacles finds its way through the triggers of his guns.

“Okay then.”

Ed walks into the kitchen and spies Selina perched on top of their refrigerator . . . with a takeout box and chopsticks.

“Hey there, Nygma,” she says casually and plunges the chopsticks into the box to pull out a bite. “You’ve got good taste, Doc.”

Lee doesn’t even bother to answer that.

“Selina, your cat has scared my octopus half to death.”

Ed leans over her shoulder, clearing his throat. “Uh, don’t you mean _my_ octopus?”

Lee looks back at him and says firmly, “OUR octopus.”

“Very well," Ed concedes.

Selina’s cat joins her on top of the refrigerator, completely free of ink now. Selina strokes her in greeting.

“Will you two please come down from there?" Lee says.

Squirt flops his way carefully into the kitchen. It’s not easy to manage eight guns on dry terrain.

Selina guffaws, almost choking on her food.

“I don’t see what you’ve got to laugh about, Selina," Ed says defensively. "He’s armed.”

“Why, Nygma?” Now she’s laughing even harder. “Why would you ever have single bullet guns in your possession? Aren’t you a big, bad villain or something now? I thought you would need more firepower than that.”

“They’re for his Riddle Factory show,” Lee says testily.

“Oh my God, are you two for real?”

Selina gracefully jumps down from the refrigerator and so does her cat. She looks down at Squirt.

“Afraid you’re one bullet short, there little buddy. Cats have nine lives. Or haven't you heard?”

She sets her unfinished take out box on the counter and then heads for the door.

“Thanks for the grub.”

TBC


	8. SEATTLE

“What are these?” Lee asks, picking up some printouts from Ed’s desk. “Are these airline confirmations?”

“Yup,” Ed replies.

“Seattle? Us?”

Ed nods.

“Why?” Lee asks. “It’s never even crossed my mind to go across the country for a romantic weekend getaway. Too much time is spent travelling.”

“It’s not one.”

Lee puts the hand that’s holding the confirmations on her hip, suddenly suspicious. Her eyes narrow. “Then what is it?”

“C’mon, I’ll show you.” Ed stands up and holds out his hand, leading her into the living room. “It’s for him.”

“Squirt?”

“Yes.”

They both look at the octopus for a moment, blissfully playing with Ed’s hat in his tank, spinning it round and round, changing colors as if he might be having a conversation with it.

“You see, he doesn’t know where he’s from, Lee. I think we should find out. For his sake.”

“And you think he’s from Seattle?”

“Well, if my guess is right and he’s a Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, that’s where we should start.”

Lee purses her lips and shakes her head. “Ed –"

“Okay, well, my second guess is that his species might be related to the Giant Pacific Octopus. And south of Seattle in Puget Sound, they can be found in abundance where the Galloping Gertie fell down in 1940. The debris makes a nice –"

“Okay, okay. We’ll go.”

Ed smiles.

“You hear that, little buddy?” Ed says to Squirt. “We’re going to find out all about your roots.”

Squirt temporarily stops playing with Ed’s hat to come over the side of the aquarium and squirt the two of them through his siphon.

“Well, he sure has earned his name,” Lee says sardonically. “Who’s going to watch him while we’re gone?”

“Oswald,” Ed says with absolute confidence in his friend’s octopus babysitting capabilities.

Lee doesn’t share it.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's an old-timey video on Galloping Gertie in case you are interested:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsKKDLKYsVU


	9. Saturday Morning Octovision: Sponge Bob

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ed & Squirt love to binge watch TV together. But here's Squirt's impressions of one of the shows he watched with Oswald this week.

Squirt was supposed to be reviewing The End of the F****** World today, however. . .

Uncle Oswald is babysitting and has turned on Sponge Bob instead, which is only making Squirt unbearably hungry. Mr. Krabs and Sponge Bob's pet (who tries to sound like Selina's cat for some reason) are looking mighty tasty.

Squirt reaches over to taste Uncle Os with a tentacle and wonders why he's known as The Penguin. He sure doesn't taste like one.

No tentacle ratings from Squirt today, kids! They're all too busy trying to find something to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No offense to any of the shows Squirt reviews here - at all. Just trying to be amusing. Besides, he's only reviewing the shows I personally love.


	10. THE OTHER NARROWS

“It’s the Rid-A-Ler!” a young boy screeches and runs towards Ed and Lee, who are standing along the shoreline of The Narrows. Specifically, the Tacoma Narrows which Galloping Gertie used to span before toppling into the Sound and making a nice octopus habitat decades ago.

“Nice to meet you,” the bespectacled boy says, holding out his hand for Ed to shake. It’s quite the Mini Me moment.

Then he turns and bows to Lee, the Queen of the Narrows.

Lee whispers to Ed, “Do you know this kid?”

“My auntie lied.” The boy chuckles and shakes his head. “She said I would never see you guys here – that you’re from a different Narrows. She’s so silly.”

“Actually,” Ed crouches down to the boy’s level. “We came all the way out here to learn about the Giant Pacific Octopus from Gotham C -“

“Stickem up, Rid-A-Ler!” the boy says as he makes his thumb and forefinger into a gun shape.

And thus begins a gleeful mock shoot-out between Ed and the kid.

Lee shakes her head as she watches them. “Boys.”

“Oof!”

Suddenly the boy punches Ed in the gut and runs off, yelling at the top of his lungs, “Auntie! Auntie! I defeated the Rid-A-Ler! And you lied – he’s right here in the Narrows – he’s right here! With his wife!”

“Wife, huh?” Lee turns to Ed, still on the ground, holding his gut.

“You know an 8-year-old just got the jump on you, right?” Lee says, her hands on her hips. “And then he sucker punched you.”

Ed only groans, grabbing his tummy as he sits up. “I think perhaps we should try get out of here before ‘Auntie’ comes to see for herself."

“Good idea,” Lee answered wryly.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My nephew and I (he's a HUGE fan of the Riddler) came up with this together (he hopes to be a writer like R.L. Stine someday). Thank you for indulging us in a little Mary Sue. 
> 
> Next time . . . We explore how Oswald's faring with the octopus babysitting (and how Squirt is faring with being babysat). Stay tuned!


	11. THAT'S NO ARM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter speedy-quick. Thank you for indulging me in yesterday's Mary Sue. Hopefully this one will be more entertaining to the general public.

“We should probably check in with Oswald, see how it’s going with Squirt,” Ed says after he and Lee check into an inn for the night.

“Good idea,” Lee agrees. "It’s been quite a day.”

Shortly after they had landed in Seattle that morning, Ed had to go on his quest for knowledge ASAP. She was thankful it was finally dark, and that any and all aquariums in Puget Sound were closed for the night. He had completely worn her out, even though it was still early in the evening. 

“Oswald, hey, how’s it going?” Ed asks.

“We’re doing fine,” Oswald replies. “Although half the time I can’t tell if Squirt wants to cuddle with me or eat me.”

Ed chuckles. “Cut back on the Sponge Bob. That show really cranks up his appetite.”

“You could have warned me, Ed.” Oswald turns away from the phone. Even though his voice is now muffled, Ed can hear him say, “Hey, Squirt, we’re putting you on a diet. Let’s watch a new show. Yes, that button. Right there. And then that one. Excellent!”

Ed hears the background noise coming from the TV change.

“Wait, have you taught Squirt how to use the remote?” 

“What?” Lee asks, surprised. She’s been listening in on Ed’s side of the conversation.

“Why, yes I have!” Oswald boasts proudly. “Okay, no not really. He taught himself.”

“Wow. I’m impressed.”

“Me, too. This little sucker has really grown on me.”

“Well, I can’t wait to see him when we get back. We learned all about the Giant Pacific Octopus today. Haven’t gotten to the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus –“

“That’s because they don’t exist!” Lee calls out loud enough for Oswald to hear.

“Ugh. Anyway, we learned all about their mating habits, the foods they prefer to eat –“

“Mating habits?” Oswald snorts. “You hear that, Squirt? They’re going to bring you back a mate.”

Without warning, Ed can hear Oswald’s phone drop to the ground as his friend yells out, “OH MY GOD! Ick! Aaaaaaargh! Get this thing off of me!”

“Oswald?” Ed asks, concerned. “Oswald?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Oswald picks up the phone again and says to Ed, “You will not BELIEVE what your octopus just did!”

“What?”

“He tore off his arm and THREW it at me!”

“What? Is he okay?”

“Is HE okay????” Oswald exclaims. “I’ve got an octopus tentacle wrapped around my head. And it’s not coming off. And you’re asking if HE’S okay?!? Ed, you’ve got to come home.”

Ed agrees and quickly asks Lee to change their flights so they can go home that night on the red eye. “Tell them it’s a family emergency.”

Lee calls the airline.

“Okay, Oswald, calm down for a second and tell me again what’s happened,” Ed says.

“Calm down? Calm down?” Oswald rages.

“Yes, calm down or else I can’t help you.”

“Fine.”

“Good. First of all, is Squirt okay?”

“He’s alive. And breathing – or whatever he does with that siphon thing. Little bastard crawled back into his tank in shame and now he’s trying to hide. But seeing as he’s stark white, I can still see him. Or rather, parts of him.”

“That’s not shame, Oswald.”

“Oh?”

“That’s fright.” Ed sighs. “He’s probably afraid because of this little tantrum you’ve been throwing.”

“He only ripped off one of his arms and threw it at me, Ed. So, given that, I’m calm. I’m very calm. Did I mention it’s still on my head?”

“Still?”

“Yes. It’s wrapped around me like a sweatband. But I feel no pressing need to go jogging, so it’s quite the inconvenience, and it’s stuck to me like superglue!!!”

Ed thinks of something. “Hey, can you look and see what the tip of that arm looks like for me?”

“Oh, sure,” Oswald says, in his prissiest voice yet. “That will be no problem at all.”

“Can you check to see if it has suckers or not?”

“Give me a minute,” Oswald grumbles. Ed hears various noises of frustration and swearing before his friend returns to the phone. “Well, it doesn’t look like there’s any for the last few inches or so.”

“Oh, my God.”

“What?” both Lee and Oswald ask.

Ed begins laughing so hard he has to put the phone down for a second.

“Ed! Edward!” Oswald demands from the other end of the line. “You’d better stop that maniacal laughing right now and tell me what’s going on!"

Ed eventually picks up the phone and with an evil grin, he tells Oswald, “That’s no arm, my dear friend . . . that’s Squirt’s penis.”

TBC


	12. LA PETIT MORT

“Oswald?” Ed opens the door to his and Lee’s place quietly and peeks his head in. In the distance he can see Oswald’s deep pout as he watches television. Alone.

Squirt must be in his tank.

“Come on in, Ed,” Oswald says. “Squirt’s penis fell off my head – so you don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

Oswald picks up a droopy, floppy tentacle from the couch to show him.

Ed and Lee come into the living room.

“How’s he doing?” Edward’s eyes indicate the aquarium over the couch.

“Alive, like I said.”

“Oh my gosh, Oswald.” Ed gasps.

“What?”

“There’s a ring of suckers marks around your head.”

Oswald handles the tentacle again. “Like I said, this little sucker didn’t want to let go. Got anything for this, doc?”

Lee can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous Oswald looks. “King for a day, huh?”

“It better be only for one day!”

“Let me see if I can find something for you,” Lee says and goes into the other room.

Ed is up against the aquarium glass, looking for Squirt.

“He’s in that corner, over there,” Oswald says.

Ed finally sees him underneath a rock that he’s placed over himself like a protective shield. He's camouflaged very well.

“Hey, Squirt, we’re back. Wanna come out and play little buddy?”

Once Squirt sees that it’s Ed behind the glass, he tentatively places a few tentacles out from under the rock. And now one of his eyes is visible . . .

But then suddenly, he turns white and dives back under, securing the rock over himself as he changes his skin to match it once again, texture and all.

“Okay, Oswald, let’s try this.”

Ed looks over at Lee, applying something to Oswald’s forehead.

Lee.

Yep. If Squirt’s species is anything like some of the others he’s learned about, the theory he’d devised on the plane about why this happened just might be true. He looks back down at the terrified Squirt, poor thing.

“Ahem,” Ed clears his throat to get Oswald and Lee’s attention. “I think I know why Squirt threw his penis at you, Oswald.”

“Do tell.”

“Do you remember joking that Lee and I were bringing home a mate for Squirt?”

“No.”

“Well, you did,” Ed says. “And many octopus species conclude their mating with death. Sometimes, carnivorous females eat the males. In those species, some males have been seen ripping off their penises and just tossing them over to avoid getting too close and riskng certain death.”

“_La petite mort_,” Oswald says and whistles. Then he turns to Squirt, still hunkered under the rock, and says, “I am so sorry I frightened you, little guy. What a miserable existence.”

Then he stands up, getting ready to leave, and claps Ed on the shoulder on the way out. Tipping his head to indicate Lee he says, “Not like you don’t have one as well.”

TBC


	13. Saturday Morning Octovision: The End of the F****** World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed & Squirt love to binge watch TV together. Here's Squirt's impressions of one of the shows they watched this week.

The End of the F****** World

SQUIRT: It's just two crazy juveniles closer to sex/death than they realize

Here's how he rates it:

Next time on Octovision: It's a F****** surprise! Muahahahaha!

(feel free to speculate on what it will be in the comments - it will be the **final** Octovision)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No offense to any of the shows Squirt reviews here - at all. Just trying to be amusing. Besides, he's only reviewing the shows I personally love.
> 
> And this show - The End of the F****** World - has got to be one of my favorite shows of all time. It's amazing! Check it out - you won't be sorry.


	14. THE SEVEN ARMED MISOGYNIST

“Your octopus has been avoiding me,” Lee says to Ed one day while he’s sitting on the couch watching TV with Squirt. The little guy is wearing the small bowler hat that Ed had given him.

As Lee approaches, Squirt curls his tentacles up underneath himself and puffs them out, making himself look like a little ball.

Lee just watches him curiously, not understanding what that means, or how that even works when he’s not in the water.

“What do you mean he’s avoiding you?”

“He’s afraid of me. Look.”

“That’s not fear.”

“What is it?”

“Um . . .”

Squirt looks over at Ed. They’re close, but they can’t communicate telepathically, so . . .

“Honestly, I don’t know what that is, Lee, but – “

Before their very eyes, Squirt reaches behind himself, attaches a tentacle to the glass of the aquarium, and starts crawling his way back up and into it, one of his tentacles still holding onto the hat. The stub where the arm with his penis had been hasn’t quite grown back yet.

Plunk.

Safely in the tank, Squirt now swiftly heads to the back of it and hides. The hat floats to the top.

“Yeah, okay. You’re right Lee, he’s avoiding you,” Ed says. “But I think it’s just because you’re female.”

“Oh, really?” Lee’s hand goes to her hip. “Are you telling me Squirt’s suddenly a misogynist?”

“Well, thanks to Oswald –“

Lee puts up a hand. “Enough said. Leave it to Oswald to turn your octopus into a woman-hater.”

Lee sighs as Ed chuckles. But then he looks over at Squirt, concerned. “Perhaps he’s worried that you and I will mate one day and then you’ll eat me.”

“Too bad we’ve already mated and you’re still alive,” Lee says with a wry twist of her lips.

Ed snaps his fingers. “That’s it!”

“What?”

“We need to show Squirt that females of different species aren’t necessarily as dangerous as his.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“A tea party!” Ed says with a flourish and then disappears to the bedroom before Lee can say anything. She’s surprised he didn’t throw any glitter.

When Ed comes back, he’s brandishing at hat that looks like something Jervis Tetch would wear.

“Alice in Wonderland? Really?”

“Take a look,” Ed says, guiding her over to a mirror and positioning it onto her head just so.

“Okay, Ed. Not bad.” Lee nods as she appraises herself. “Hand me the phone.”

Ed places it in her palm and she places a call.

“Selina? Yeah, can you swing by my place for a tea party?”

“The only tea party I can see myself attending is a Steampunk tea,” Selina replies.

“Yeah, okay. That will work. You come Steampunk, I’ll come Wonderland." Lee eyes the Mad Hatter hat that's currently perched on her head. “But make sure to wear a hat. We’re all going to be wearing hats.”

Lee looks over at the bowler hat floating in the aquarium. Even Squirt. 

"Not a problem. I've got just the thing."

“Great. And, uh . . . Selina?”

“Yeah?”

“Bring your prissiest cat.”

TBC


	15. THE TEA PARTY

Lee is shocked when she sees Selina stroll in with her cat. T**hat** cat.

"Selina . . ?"

"I told you I don't HAVE a prissy cat, Lee. She'll have to do."

Her cats saunters by Lee with her tail in the air. She gives it a flick as it passes her leg, then jumps up onto the chair that's been reserved for her at the table.

Squirt raises all seven of his guns. _What is she doing here?_

"Really?" Lee and Selina say simultaneously. Selina laughs at Squirt, but Lee's gaze - and her raised eyebrow - are focused squarely on Ed.

"He insisted on being able to protect himself."

"Insisted? He can't even talk, Ed!"

"Well, when he crawls around in my sock drawer to find all my single-shot guns, curls his little arms around them and won't let go, I think that might be a sign."

"Hmm." Lee resigns herself to the situation. "Well, at least you got him to come to the table - with his hat on."

"Yes," Ed says, and excitedly and comes over to show them what he's glued to the rim of Squirt's hat - a couple of tea bags that are way too big for the hat and look ridiculously proportioned. One is tucked into the brim and one is hanging over the side by its string. Squirt turns a bright emerald green with pride.

"I can't tell if that's an homage to the Mad Hatter or Minnie Pearl, Ed."

"Fabulous!" Ed says and kisses Lee on the cheek. "You four enjoy your tea - I'm off to tease Oswald about the sucker marks on his forehead that aren't even noticeable anymore. In other words, tapping into his insecurity for my own personal entertainment."

"You're such a good friend, Ed," Lee says wryly.

"Bye!"

As Lee lets out a breath and takes a seat, her gigantic hat almost falls off and she can't help but notice that Squirt's gone white again and has done that little double curl inside of the trigger of each little gun - just like the last time this particular cat of Selina's was here.

"Seven guns. Huh. Two for you, Lee. Two for me. And -" Selina busts out laughing. "Poor little guy's got three trained on -"

"Your mean little cat."

"Hey!" Selina says in protest.

"Your cat terrorized poor Squirt when she was last here. I don't think she was the best choice -"

"Look, Lee. Did you want me to come or not?" Lee says. "Because I was out at the wasteland derby when you called -"

"Wasteland?" Lee looks at Selina carefully. She's covered in dirt from head to toe. Well, she had mentioned something about steampunk . . . Lee didn't think that included dirt, though.

"Is there a hat under all that dirt on your head?"

Selina shakes her curls out and dust flies everywhere.

Good thing Lee just had the vacuum serviced.

Except for some patches on her face, which Selina obviously had no intention of taking off, she was presentable. She reached into her flight bag and pulled out a brown hat, covered in brass work that looked like some kind of bizarre plumbing torn from the wreckage of a century's old abandoned building. It had what kind of looked like two smoke stacks all the top, except they appeared to be in the shape of two pointed ears. It was an interesting illusion.

"Of course I have a hat, Lee. One simply does not go to an Abney Park event without proper headgear, you know."

Selina shook the dust off of the hat and placed it on her head.

"Abney Park?"

"Ah, they're just a crew of airship pirates. No big deal." Selina shrugs, never fazed by anything, no matter how bizarre. It was probably a side effect of growing up in Gotham.

She reaches into the bag once more and removes the tiniest little eye patch and hands it over for Lee to get a closer look. It's got a skull with two knives jammed behind it, forming an 'X.' And -

"The skull has goggles!" Lee exclaims, delighted.

"I know, right?" Selina says as she takes it back from Lee and turns to her cat, who Lee had thought was feisty, but remains absolutely still as Selina places it on her carefully.

"Oh, I didn't expect that," Lee says.

"That's Captain Robert's influence. This was a gift from him so she'd have a 'hat' to wear to this little tea party of yours. She really likes him."

"Who's Captain Robert?" Lee asks. "Oh wait, let me guess, one of those airship pirates?"

"**The** airship pirate," Selina corrects her. "So, what are we drinking?"

Not me. Squirt maneuvers one of his guns from the cat to Selina. He doesn't want her to get any funny ideas.

"Let's see," Lee says. "I've got cream for your cat."

"Nah, that's no good. Do you have anything else?"

"Selina, you live in The Narrows. I've seen your cat drink gutter water."

"Well, then let me just go outside and get some."

"Selina, the purpose of this tea party is to show Squirt that not all females are a threat, remember?"

"Yeah."

"So, let's not get catty."

"You're killing me with that pun there, Doc." Selina winks.

"As long as we're smiling," Lee says and nods. "Okay, Squirt is obviously expressing his desire not to drink anything - seeing as all of his arms are presently occupied - but I think you and I will have some vanilla rose tea - if that's not too fancy for you."

"Hey, I brushed of the dirt, didn't I?"

They both smile at each other and Selina's cat meows with approval. Lee pours some cold water into a teacup decorated with kittens playing with balls of yarn. Selina has a matching one. Whereas Lee is drinking from a black cup shot through with blue that could have easily done a stint as some villain's sinister draught in some horror flick. She had tried to give Squirt a matching cup before Selina had even arrived, but he had seemed terrified by it. So instead, she found Ed's teacup full of bright green question marks for him, but Squirt hadn't touched it at all due to his burning need to hold onto his personal armory with every available appendage.

As they chat, Lee and Selina do their best to appear calm, non-predatory, safe, etc. Squirt actually does relax his hold on one of the guns - surprisingly one of the ones facing Selina's cat - and sets it between two of his arms and picks up his teacup. Then he puts down another gun that had been aimed at Selina's cat and reaches for the kettle.

As the two women sit there dumbfounded, he pours hot water into the cup and then holds it up to the tea bag hanging from his hat.

"Holy shit!" Selina exclaims.

Lee gasps.

"I wonder if he knows how long to steep it?"

Squirt's eyes move position ever so slightly so that they know that he's looking at the clock in the kitchen.

"Damn," says Selina. "I'm impressed,"

"I love Squirt. I just wished he loved me back," Lee sighs. "I would never hurt him - let alone kill him. I can't even see myself killing Ed - not that that villain hasn't deserved it from time to time."

"You got that right," Selina agrees.

"Could you ever see yourself killing Bruce?" Lee asks.

"We're not together," Selina says quickly. Too quickly.

"You're not?" Lee asks, with a head motion indicating Squirt.

"Oh, yeah. Right," Selina says, playing along. "Of course I am. I love Bruce so much it's like . . . like it's raining diamonds when he's around. I'd never ever want to kill or even hurt my shiny, glittery little thing."

"Okay, Selina, that was -"

"What? Are you concerned that my gorgeous Brucie-wucie might be shinier than your fabulous Eddie-weddie?" Selina says, blinking her eyes innocently before taking one last swig of her tea and meeting Lee's eyes in challenge. "Jealous much?"

Before Lee can even protest the ridiculousness of whatever garbled junk had just fallen from Selina's mouth, she notices Squirt. He's turned a pale green and released many of the guns he had been holding onto for his protection. One of his tentacles has reached out for Captain Robert's eye patch and is tasting it. And Selina's cat is absolutely still, letting Squirt take his time. It's fascinating to watch.

"He's got good taste," Selina quips.

"Shh," Lee says, still watching them.

After Squirt's tea has steeped long enough, he brings the cup back down to the table and plucks the wet bag from his hat, placing it in the teabag plate Lee had provided. Such good manners. All the while his other tentacle is still tasting the eye patch and another has begun petting Selina's cat, who now purrs loudly.

"Well, that's one species down," Lee says to Selina who nods. Squirt still has one gun trained on each of them.

"Two bad he threw away his penis," Selina says, shaking her head. "We don't bite."

"Well, it will grow back, we think. Ed estimates that it could take him around 3 months, but we're not sure what species he is exactly, so that could vary," Lee says. "But Squirt's obviously of a species where males are considered nothing more than a post-coital snack."

Selina's cat has let Squirt remove her eye patch entirely and now quickly jumps up on the table and immediately pounces on the sugar bowl, swallowing up three sugar cubes before meowing in victory. Selina is just as fast as picking her up off the table and setting her down on the floor. "Sorry about that Lee -"

"No worries. She's a Narrows cat. She's gotta get the calories where she can find them." Like on top of my refrigerator. Out of a take out box.

"I wonder if he's okay with us now, too, not just your cat." Lee reaches out her hand and almost cries when Squirt tentatively coils the end of one of his tentacles around her palm, his guns completely forgotten.

Selina does the same. "See, not all girls aren't scary little guy."

"Neither are grown women," Lee says.

"Or cats."

At that, Squirt reaches out to pet Selina's cat again.

* * *

"Look who I found!" Ed says joyously as he walks in the door. He's got Bruce Wayne by the collar - in a jovial way - and he knows Selina's here. He also knows they're currently in one of the more "off" phases of their "on again off again" relationship. Let the fun begin!

Lee beams as she sees what Ed's dragged in. "Oh my gosh, Selina. Look - it's your **gem** of a boyfriend!"

"He's not my -" Selina starts.

Lee motions her head towards Squirt and Selina groans.

"Hey Lover," Selina says and saunters over to Bruce, casually throwing her arm over his shoulder and kissing him gently on the cheek. "You're sooo shiny."

"What?"

Selina barely suppresses a giggle. Bruce starts to pull away, confused by her behavior, but Selina halts him and pulls herself close enough to place her lips on his ear. She whispers softly, "Just roll with it. Please."

Bruce nods and places an arm around her waist.

"Uh, you're shiny, too. . ?" Its more of a question than a statement.

"Ed, have you got any glitter on you?" Lee asks.

"Of course," he answers, patting a pocket on his suit jacket. "Why?"

"I'm trying to determine who has the shinier boyfriend."

* * *

Ed and Lee are cuddling on the couch and mostly laughing about the events of the day. Even Squirt joins in with an oscillating rainbow pattern on his skin. He's perched on top of the couch above them.

"Oh my God, did you see Bruce's face when you whipped out the glitter?"

"That poor boy had no idea."

"Yes, but I think it's for the best - they're good for each other." Lee smiles. "Hearing Selina tell Bruce as they left that they need to be together 'for the octopus' was precious. What a great excuse."

"I think you and I should be able to be together 'despite the octopus,'" Ed says.

"Yes." Lee sighs. "I think that's the last piece - so that there's no misunderstanding. I think he needs to know that you're safe with me - that I won't devour you."

"Should we go for it right here on the couch then?" Ed asks. "Have him stick around for our pillow talk afterwards?"

"Ed." Lee bats him on the shoulder.

"I'm game if you are," he says. "And I'm really game."

There's no mistaking that glow in his eye. Lee touches his cheek and says softly, "I know you are."

"But?"

"But I think that might do more harm than good. I think Squirt and I need to work this out on our own." Then she says firmly, "Without a show."

Ed groans and throws his head back. But when he brings it back up, there's a playful smile on his lips and the most insincere words ever spoken by a man fall from them.

"Yes, dear."

TBC

And if you're wondering what all of that Steampunk/Abney Park/Captain Robert/wasteland derby stuff was, wait no longer! (the newspaper at the end is my favorite part of this video - hilarious) This is what happens when Captain Robert chooses to drive a car instead of commanding his airship.

>


	16. Saturday Morning Octovision: Gotham

GOTHAM

Squirt's Thoughts

Season 1: Hey, that guy looks an awful lot like Ed!

Season 2: Really not feeling comfortable sitting next to Ed right now . . .

Season 3: Holy shit! That's Uncle Oswald (Squirt crawls back into tank, shivering, once Ed's been iced).

Season 4: That woman looks a lot like Lee . . . OMG they killed each other!!! (Squirt blends into the couch as he hears her moving about in the other room).

Season 5: Too afraid to watch.

Here's how he rates it:

Okay, folks, that was the final installment of Octovision! Hope you enjoyed it. :-) Just one more chapter of this fic left!


	17. HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Oswald is the first to say it.

"So, when are you two having kids?" he asks snarkily, sipping his brandy in Ed’s easy chair in front of the Christmas tree, his lips pursing into a bitter rictus as he pulls the glass from his lips.

"What?" both Ed and Lee ask simultaneously. Where had that come from?

Oswald sets down his half-empty glass and stands up, coming over to Lee. Squirt is perched on her neck and he reaches for one of his tentacles.

Kids? Squirt tentatively wraps the end of one of his tentacles around Oswald’s index finger.

"Well, the two of you have certainly figured out how to manage this little guy." Oswald shakes it.

Manage? Squirt retracts his tentacle.

"Haven't they, Squirt?" Oswald continues. "You don't appear to be flinging your penis around anymore."

The arm that Squirt had torn off in a panic had completely grown back over the last few months. He curls it up behind him.

"Oswald, I'm not sure that means we're ready to start a family -" Lee begins.

"Oh, sure we are," Ed says, beaming. He’s dismayed that he hadn't thought of it himself. He and Lee now had some practice taking care of someone littler than themselves, so . . . "Of course, we are ready! Aren't we little guy?"

Squirt turns red with alarm and then -

. . . black ink races down the back of Lee’s red Christmas sweater.

"Goddammit, Squirt!" she exclaims, reaching behind herself in an effort to pry the wayward octopus off.

"Here, I'll help you," Ed says, gently removing the frightened Squirt and then cradling him in his arms.

"Better to be inked than have a tentacle bearing packet of sperm wound tightly around your head!" Oswald grumbles.

"Oh, yuck," Lee exclaims as she touches the ink below her neck and pulls away a hand covered in the slimy black liquid. "I’ll definitely have to change before Selina gets here."

"Wear the green!" Ed calls out as she retreats to the bedroom. "We'll match."

Hearing him, Squirt turns green himself to match Ed's impeccable suit which is tastefully decorated with various articles of Christmas whimsy, some so subtle they were riddles within themselves. The Riddler wouldn’t let himself be caught dead in anything less than the finest, or the most festive, attire. Even for a casual holiday get together such as tonight’s.

Lee groans as she looks in her closet and fingers her only green silk blouse. She had not wished to wear it that evening because it reminded her of Jim. But it was all she had. Before the party, Ed had suggested she wear it in order to make new memories with him – and erase memories of Jim. Thanks to Squirt, it looks like he’s going to get his wish.

When she returns to the living room, Oswald says, "Well, don't you two look nice, all matchies."

Lee rolls her eyes.

"I wasn't talking about you, Lee. I was talking about the boy and his octopus."

Rainbow ripples of laughter cascade down Squirt's green skin from his head to the end of his tentacles as Ed smiles widely and laughs along with his best friend.

"Boys," Lee grumbles, shaking her head. And then the doorbell rings.

"Selina!"

Lee is dismayed to watch about ten cats weave their way through Selina's legs and race for her Christmas tree, but is not dismayed at all to see Bruce by her side.

"I brought company - I hope you don't mind,” Selina says with a casual shrug.

"No -” Lee watches as all ten cats, including one wearing an eye patch, climb inside of the Christmas tree. “- not at all."

As the Christmas tree wiggles and jiggles, setting the stage for an eventual but inevitable crash to the floor, everyone takes a seat around the fire. Selina and Bruce immediately cuddle up on the loveseat and Selina adopts a carefully orchestrated look of disinterest – even though she’s sitting on his lap.

"I should start calling you Catwoman," Bruce says teasingly. "Do you ever go anywhere without them anymore?"

"I should start calling you Batboy."

"Selina -" Bruce says with a warning tone in his voice. There are after all, actual villains in the room and she’s hitting too close to home whether she knows it or not.

"What?" she challenges. "It's not like you ever come out of that cave anymore."

Selina turns to Ed and Lee. She is the second one to say it.

"Hey, you two should have kids."

There is a sudden pop and then a light sprinkling of glass falling to the floor, followed by a chorus of appreciative meows.

"Guys!" Selina admonishes.

"Well, it's not Christmas without at least one ornament getting broken," Lee says wryly. "Especially if you've got cats around."

"Yeah," Ed says, looking up at the tree and pointing. "Except it's not cats this time."

And there is Squirt gracing the top of the tree like a Lovecraftian angel . . . waving his arms and wielding another glass ornament in one of his tentacles menacingly. Lee understands exactly what’s got him on edge and decides to try to make peace with him.

"Okay, fine, Squirt," Lee says, putting up her hands in surrender. "Ed and I won't be having any children."

Ed gives her an odd, almost pained look as Oswald smiles, happy at the mischief he and Selina have made.

“Happy now?” Lee asks the red octopus in the tree.

Squirt puts the ornament down, quite satisfied with himself.

And then, within the Christmas tree, he finds an ornament shaped like a gun (because of course, Ed and Lee would have guns in their tree) and grabs it. Then he turns himself a nice deep green to match the tree and displays incredibly spiky skin before he disappears into it to play with his newfound feline friends.

Bang bang.

FIN

(Or, if you’d rather, ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’)

😊

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:
> 
> Squirt is not a real octopus - nor does he pretend to be. If you find yourself reading this and going "but octopuses don't do that!" just remember that he is a fictional character derived from another fictional character (see Chapter 2: The Aquarium) and I just use certain facts I've learned about octopuses as inspiration. And then I fuck with them. :-)


End file.
